Are you struggling to sleep? Or perhaps you’re finding yourself overly enthralled in every wine you drink? Well why not try some of these varieties, they should be a good path to boredom and lack of emotion.
This is probably a sure fire way to divide opinion and piss off some folk. I acknowledge the subjectivity of wine, and the fact that there are always fantastic wines which are the exception. With that said, here are the painfully neutral wines that have a habit of making me fall asleep.
Veneto Pinot Grigio
Recent decades of wine buying habits will tell you that as consumers, we love to ride the wave of a hot trend. We all grab our surfboards, jump on board and watch as that wave gets bigger and bigger till we bloody drown in it!
Usually the added volume that comes with popularity results in nasty, lazy, crappy wines. Just thinking about Italy alone you have Chianti, Soave, Valpol – the list could on. Pinot Grigio on the other hand is a much mild variety by nature, so the inevitable poor produce now smells like air and tastes like mineral water with a slight chemical twinge. Next up on the Italian wave… Prosecco.
Cali White Zinfandel
I was once at a wine tasting event on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. The gent running the session starts by asking “put your left hand up if you like wine” then followed it by asking “put your right hand up if you like White Zinfandel”. He then said “if you have your right hand up then I’m afraid you may not actually like wine!”
Most will be familiar of the story of Sutter Home accidentally creating the first ever White Zin back in 1975 when the winemaker exhausted all options to finish the fermentation and made the call to bottle as is with unprecedented high sugar content. In the 40 years since it became America’s favourite wine before conquering the rest of the world.
Nowadays it’s equally loved by new wine drinkers as it is hated by wine aficionados. I’m not snobby enough to place myself in the hating camp, but given the option of drinking White Zin or Water, I would legitimately save sugar calories and opt for H20. One of the original 1975 bottles recently received a space in the Smithsonian recognising it’s contribution to US culture. I could think of a few better places to stick that bottle.
Amontillado Sherry
Fino Sherry? Superlative sipping! Pedro Ximines? Mind blowing stuff! Manzanilla? Vary variable, but always interesting! Amontillado? Bore off!
There’s two opposing forces at play when it comes to Sherry drinking fashion in the UK – after the hay days of the last 2 or 3 decades, cream sherries are declining quicker than Trump’s original hair follicles. This is being counteracted by a sherry revolution, where people are beginning to get turned on to the fresher styles, in particular Fino sherry, as aperitifs or novel, zingy pairings for mild dishes. Amontillado seems to be sitting in the middle of it all, plodding along to the same old mindlessly boring beat.
My dear grandmother would be wagging her finger in her grave if she heard me badmouth her beloved Amontillado. Perhaps my lacklustre feelings come from years of being subjected to it, but either way I see it as the sleepy, safe Sherry option. Drinking Amontillado is a bit like driving a Volvo – it reeks of lack of adventure.
What do you think? What would be the top of your agenda for the boredroom discussion? Get in touch and let me know.
