Magazines have been dolling out gift-giving advice since the beginning of the printing press. But are they ever that useful? This year we’ve decided to offer up what everyone on your list is really wishing for: booze.

Child’s Teacher: Laird’s Bonded Straight Apple Brandy

With budget cuts and a classroom stocked to the brim with disaffected youth, perhaps no one needs a stiff drink more than your child’s teacher. Instead of the age-old fruit gift, opt for this spicy apple brandy that’ll take the chill out of even the most menacing student.

New Relationship: Death’s Door Unaged White Whiskey

Aww, the joys of a budding romance: longing glances, elated moods and an abounding optimism untarnished by the realities of a relationship. Sounds like our love affair with white dog whiskey, a yet-to-age spirit that’s transparent and unaffected. Toast to years of good, um, health.

Ex-Lover: Campari

Not that you would actually gift your ex, but if you’re feeling generous or nostalgic or lonely this holiday season, we recommend Campari. Bitter and a beautiful red hue from afar, it’s the perfect spirit to represent the conflicting feelings of lost love and resentment. (Note: If the goal is rekindling an old flame, we’d suggest two bottles of this 42-proof liqueur.)

21-Year-Old Cousin: Flor de Caña Centenario 21 Rum

Your young cousin is probably used to six-packs of Keystone Light and liter bottles of pre-made Long Island Iced Tea. Which means it’s time to introduce him/her to the finer spirits in life. Flor de Caña is the perfect gateway rum—smooth and complex with a caramel sweetness any newbie could appreciate (without the cartooned Captain).

Boss: Bunnahabhain 18-Year-Old Scotch

We’re not sure who first decided a fine Scotch was the ideal gift for a boss, but we’re not going to argue. This particular single Islay malt Scotch whisky is both revered by critics—moderately smoky, velvety and gentle—and appropriately expensive. The latter, of course, is the point.

Grandpa: George Dickel Tennessee Whiskey #12

Grandpa is old. Really old. He’d rather drink turpentine than any new-age flavored vodka on the market, so it’s best to stick to classics like George Dickel. Unlike most American whiskies, Dickel still fires its aged maple charcoal the old-fashioned way: in the open air. Just how you like it, right Gramps?

Environmental Acitivist Friend: 360 Vodka

Wondering what to get the discriminate foodie on your list who preaches free-range, farm-fresh, organic soy vegan cheese churned using wind power? Look no further than 360, the world’s first eco-friendly flavored vodka that uses an energy efficient process and 100% recycled packaging.

Therapist: St. George Spirits Absinthe Verte

You’ve spent the entire year confiding your innermost delinquencies to a near stranger. Kudos. But wouldn’t it be fun, just this once, to be the sane one? With a gift of (often believed) hallucination-inducing, wormwood-infused absinthe*, you’ll be on the opposite couch in no time. (*Ok, we know absinthe’s green fairy powers are a myth, but does your therapist?)

New Neighbor: No. 209 Gin

You’ve been meaning to bake up a delicious Jell-O mold or tuna casserole to welcome a new neighbor to the ’hood. But who has the time? A much better gift is, you guessed it, booze. We recommend No. 209 gin, a local San Francisco spirit that’ll be refreshing mixed with tonic and shared on the patio come summer – and you’ll be sure to be invited over.

Butcher: Black Rock Spirits Bakon Vodka

Unfortunately, this isn’t 1953. But if it were we could all rejoice in buying booze for casual acquaintances NOT relegated to Facebook, like our butcher. We bet he’d find Bakon Vodka amusing, if not for the obvious meat reference but for the fact that in 2010 someone is making bacon-flavored vodka. Cheers!