By Caitlin Garthoffner

Dear American public, we love you, but seriously.  Get your facts straight.

Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day (check your iCal, it’s in Septiembre), nor is it an American holiday.  Rather, dear ones, it’s an unofficial Mexican celebration on… the fifth of May.  Don’t scoff – you know a charming few who have asked that very question.

Be that as it Mayo, el Cinco unifies the U.S. much like St. Patrick’s Day and Oktoberfest.  Collected around the brim of a Cerveza, many pay homage to those of Mexican ancestry and culture, regardless of their ethnicity.  And for un momento, all forget their opinions on immigration control, no matter which side of the border they’re on.

In Mexico, however, the day is somewhat less popular, and except for those who live in the state of Puebla, only a select few celebrate it.  ¿Porqué?

Let your tequila take you on time travel back to 1861, when the Mexican President decided he didn’t want to pay Mexico’s debts anymore.  If only we all could do as much.  Understandably annoyed, France attacked, and they seemed to succeed in taking over the country.  That is, until May 5, 1862.

That year on el cinco de Mayo, Napoleon’s infantry chose to ambush the Mexican Indians.  Never mind the fact that their battleground of choice – Puebla – was in the middle of a thunderstorm, and chock full of stampeding cattle.  Their army hadn’t been defeated in 50 years, so there wasn’t a big risk, right?  Wrong.  Their machete-wielding compañeros handed those Frenchies their deriere’s on a platter of flan.  The i-cinco on the cake?  The French army was twice the size of Mexico’s.

Perhaps that’s why Cinco de Mayo is the unofficial American excuse to drink twice as much tequila as one can handle.  Regardless, pick wisely as you select your liquor of choice this year.  Laughter may be the best medi-cinco for many problems, but it’ll do Jack Daniels for a hangover if you’re not careful.

For those of you who “don’t do Tequila anymore,” it‘s time to woman up.  Your college days of plastic bottled tequila were long ago, and we promise top shelf tequilas won’t treat you the same way.  Straight sippers should invest in anejos like Don Pilar and Don Julio, though blancos with a nose of agave – such as Sauza – will treat you more gently, and mix well with your gf’s fruity concoctions.  If you really want her Tequila to shine, go with a neat cocktail like a Tequini.  Just make sure you use a reposado like Cabo Wabo.  You’ll taste it if you don’t.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Drink Me-ers.  May the angry French and all charging herds stay far from you and your fiesta.