by Heather Stewart

Holy stories of God do not often conjure up memories of drunken orgies, adultery and murder. One can imagine a nun walking by a bar full of this debauchery, crossing herself repeatedly, and throwing in a couple of “Let us be forgiven!”s for good measure. The truth is, however, that alcohol has been around almost as long as mankind, and has inspired some of the most ancient of gods.

Take for instance Bacchus, also known as Dionysus, who was the Greek God of Wine. He was the only one of the official gods of Olympus born of Zeus, and a mortal, Semele. Zeus, an infamous womanizer and hotheaded asshole, was not the best example of a father for Bacchus. Zeus, who was married to a jealous prude named Hera, the goddess of Hearth and Home often went philandering with mortals such as Semele (iI’s not easy being married for all time). Knowing her husband perhaps too well, Hera was onto Zeus’ affairs, and to punish him she killed the pregnant mortal Semele. Zeus managed to save the fetal Bacchus and in his infinite wisdom sewed the fetus into his thigh to be born full-term. Don’t try this at home. After Bacchus’ birth, Zeus handed his son off to the God of Thieves, Hermes, to be raised.

Given his tumultuous upbringing, it figures that Bacchus would end up being a rebel. Instead of fulfilling his standard godly duties, Bacchus preferred to lie around being fed grapes by his band of drunken, orgy-frenzied, female followers known as “Bacchantes.” Meow. Whereas all the other gods had temples, Bacchus was too hung-over to construct buildings so he told his mortal followers to have parties in the forest to honor him. This led many Greek mortals to head to the woods for drunken orgies, which came to be known as Bacchanalia. Those who were pious to the cult of Bacchus received unguarded freedom as well as plenty of sex, wine, and gluttony. If only the trend had continued into modern Judeo-Christian religions, then Sunday morning would be the new Friday night.

As Bacchus could be beneficent, he was equally hostile. His band of ravenous partiers could suddenly become violent. Those impious to Bacchus were often punished harshly, drowned in alcohol, strangled by grape vines, or blatantly dismembered. Mirroring the dual nature of alcohol, Bacchus came to represent the importance of being free and bringing joy, but also the danger of being belligerent and destructive.

The ancient Greeks only had only one god of wine, but the Ancient Egyptians bestowed the responsibility for alcohol onto multiple Gods.. Geshtinana, the “Goddess of the Vine,” was a bit of a soap opera story and once turned her brother-in-law into a gazelle. Ah, family. Then there was, Ninkasi, the Goddess of Beer, who originated in Babylon before immigrating to Egypt. Her job was to satisfy desire and calm the heart. Damn straight. One of the oldest pieces of written literature in human existence is the Babylonian hymn to Ninkasi, which was written around 1800 B.C. and was sung to bless the brewing beer. It contains a recipe for such Babylonian beer, involving dough, sweet aromatics, dates, honey, and hulled grains.

Finally, The Norse gods, living in a cold and miserably war-torn environment, really appreciated the value of alcohol. The progenitor of all Norse gods was murdered in cold blood by his children while he was sleeping. And the various parts of his dismembered body became the earth, sea, and sky. As you can imagine, this sort of life could get stressful, and so the Norse gods drank a lot to take the edge off. Odin, the Norse king of gods, was said to subsist off of nothing but wine: “For ’tis with wine alone that Odin, in arms renowned, is nourished forever.”

So the next time you’re out drinking with your buddies, remember that some deity, somewhere, somehow, is watching over and helping create your revelry. So for that god’s, or that goddess’s, sake, don’t be shy of the raving Bacchantes by the record machine.